There’s a Light at the end of the Tunnel.

So I’ve been thinking… a lot.

 

My last blog where I delved into where I was and spoke about the hard times.

See here – https://jemiluce.wordpress.com/2013/03/06/hard-times/

 

At that point I thought everything would just get better. But the truth it is. I don’t think it was that simple. No if it had been simple then in the past 3-4 months I would have probably had a completely different perspective and a completely different journey.

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The truth is that in my 18 years these past few months I would describe as my darkest years. Now you could say that I’m young. I can’t have experienced a whole lot of hardship. And in comparison to some what I’ve been through is nothing. But that doesn’t mean my life has been easy. That would be a lie. For me this has been like being trapped at the bottom of a steep valley without the energy to escape.  I still don’t have that energy. I literally run on empty. I have no idea how I get up and get on each day. For me it’s a miracle.

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I think the bottom line is for too long I pretended there was nothing going on and didn’t say anything. Then when I realised, I looked at my support network and thought of excuses (all completely legitimate) not to go to them. I saw that the family I was closest too had things of their own to deal with, my grown up friends were working or busy, the friends my age wouldn’t have understood the complexity and if I was really honest, I didn’t think how I felt was important enough to put any of my struggles and the burdens I put on myself and others put on me were worth anything.

 

So they ate me up.

 

You see….

When you suppress what you feel. When you feel worthless. When you hide from the world. When you pretend everythings ok.

When you carry burdens that weren’t yours to carry. When you neglect yourself . When you depend on others.

When you stop depending on others. When you forget the truth. When you shut yourself away.

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When you give up on everything important to you.

 

This is when who you are begins to become non-existent.

Sisyphean toil

You destroy yourself.

 

But through the hard times you learn lessons….

 

In my related post (as shown above)  I said that I’d learnt about neglect.

 

What I learnt this week is that I am just as important as everyone else.

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I’m not worthless. I am worth something. I am precious.

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More than that God loves me.

 

Now this might sound stupid. But I have been a Christian for 10 years(+) now and I had forgotten in my circumstances that God loves me. The most shocking thought is that I forgot at Easter. But maybe that’s a reminder for me.

They seemed so big that how could God reach me where I was.

 

I forgot God is GOD!

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Since then I feel a little lighter.

 

Now I will look after myself (because if your like me you look after everyone else (whether you should or not) but not you), I will communicate with people because how I feel is important to and I will turn to God because only he can get me through my circumstances.

I’m not at the end of my struggles but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

 

 

 

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~ by jemiluce on April 7, 2013.

5 Responses to “There’s a Light at the end of the Tunnel.”

  1. Remember, you are not alone. Even when your ‘grown up’ friends are ‘going through’ stuff, they still love you and want to listen. However, the greatest thing we ever learn, is exactly what you are saying – God is the source of strength and encouragement. When we get this, we can stand through the dark times and come out stronger, ready to support and love others through their tunnels. Well done for your honesty.xx

    • My lovely Kathy. I know but when they aren’t ok, burdening others isn’t ok and it just gets other people into the place I found myself in. Without even realising. I know they do. I didn’t mean you lovely Kathy :). That’s the aim. To come out of it and be better. Thank you. Much love and blessings xxx

  2. I’m not going to like this because I don’t like that this is how you’ve been feeling. I am glad that you are beginning to turn the corner little one. You have been carrying a great deal on your young shoulders – carrying the burdens of many others that would not have wanted that for you but then you have such a beautiful heart and spirit. Nothing is wasted – God will use it all for his glory. It is important to learn to take care of ourselves- we are the temple of the Holy Spirit after all. I pray that God will continue to build you up as you trust in Him. Kathy is right in what she said. Your ‘grown up friends’ and loved ones would not want you to be carrying your burdens alone. This grown up friend will always be here for you!

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